MSCHFF Turns 1!

Hey guys! This whole month, MSCHFF is celebrating turning 1! And I just wanted to share this post in conjunction with Mental Health Day! 10th October! Reason why I'd like to dedicate this post to mental awareness is because during this journey of blogging and creating video content, I've went through ups and downs personally and it was literally one of the lowest point I felt thus far. Questioning what I was doing and why I'm this and that. This post will be more of how my blogging journey went and what I went through internally.

Let's start from the beginning of when I decided to start a blog of my own, finding my niche and also creating content. I actually came across an advertisement on Instagram from Marina Giovanni about how you can create your passion, earn from it and also travel the world. At that point of time I was also looking for a portable business that I could bring along in the future when I migrate. I was also unemployed and working odd-jobs just to get by while looking for a permanent one. So it seemed like a good opportunity and low cost involved, just good internet, laptop and a phone and that's all you need. Seems simple enough.

So for a few weeks, when my motivation was still up high, I decided to brainstorm and even asked my family and friends about what my topic and blog name should be. I had so many things I wanted to do and was interested in. Beauty being the biggest part of it. However, it was too general of a topic. I decided that since I'm always hunting for haircare that is suitable for my frizzy hair, I decided that that should be my topic, hence how MSCHFF was born!

The Blog

Now you must be wondering where I started to falter. I spiraled downhill from the start. I made the first rookie mistake, failing to plan properly. I was so eager to launch the website, have posts up and jump into diversifying my topics that I actually put my main niche on the back burner after a few posts. I was so eager to grow my following fast and quickly and when it didn't happen, I was so hard on myself. I searched and reached out to others who had a bigger following than I was. Loop giveaways were something they had practiced to gain more following so they were more noticeable to brands. But of course you have to pay to get into the loop which will pay for the prize itself. Promising 1000+ followers at every loop giveaway. Somehow, even though the large following would look good, I was concerned that that trick would not gain me any followers who were genuinely interested in my content. Rather, they're just in it because of the expensive prizes. I'd rather have someone follow me because they want to see my content and wanted to know if I could help their frizzy hair problems.

I was even convinced that I could do makeup tutorials to gain more views and followers. However, looking at all the beauty guru's on Youtube, I know I was lacking in so much. I just wasn't as passionate and knowledgeable and that captured on camera how I was just not prepared. I was so focused on getting the end results of having a large following and monetizing that I wasn't focused on creating quality content. I was embarrassed at my blog and the quality of work I just half-assed at that time.

Unemployment

Despite doing ad-hoc jobs, being unemployed mean job-searching, I started sending out resumes, tons of them, mainly because I really wanted to go back into the Design Industry or that's what I thought I wanted to continue doing. Right now, I'm not even sure what my future holds for me. So while waiting for their responses, I had more time to focus on my blog and the direction I wanted it to go. That kept me busy for awhile. However, after a few months of no call-backs, I was wondering if I was would ever get a permanent job. I had laid out some plans of what I needed to do to for the blog, but without resources, I'm not able to upgrade my quality of content. I was using my sister's unused laptop of 7 years old, which was already lagging. Using it felt like borrowed time. It could just crash at anytime. Video editing and website editing would take days just do complete as it could not compete with the memory usage. I had so much to do, but how could I carry them out?

Anxiety

I developed anxiety through that few months. I had trouble sleeping at night, often just laying in bed awake just thinking of how I can make my life better and planning for what to do the next day. I was also very jumpy, scared to venture out of the house, and when I'm home, I'm afraid of staying in the house. I was scared of my own shadows. No one knew what I was feeling because I didn't want them to see me breaking down. I'm always so dependable, independent and strong on the outside. Always the one that was so resolute and knew what to do. But at that point of time, everything I'd ever known about myself just went out the window. I felt so lost then. I had no direction, no money, and just constantly feeling uncertain.

I would stay locked up in the room on the bed, just trying to make sense of the situation I was in. That was my safe space. But soon, my mood begin to change, I was quiet, angsty and just reclusive. Doing chores felt like torture, running errands were just troublesome. I was angry all day.

Right now as I'm writing this, I cannot relate to who I was back then and all I see is trivial problems that could have been solved easily. But at that point of time, with the pressure to go back to work and also not having any direction (which affected the blog as well) took a lot from me. I had lost myself. It was no longer how others saw me, but how I identified with myself. That was the hardest part. Losing my identity.

The Change

A few weeks later, the support and push I needed came to me. I started just openly recording my thoughts and feelings, I opened up to my boyfriend, my source of comfort, on how pressured I felt and that caused me to be anxious and just afraid. I've always hesitated telling him earlier as he had so much on his plate already, I didn't want to add more worry. He was constantly assuring me that I should take it easy and take all the time I needed to clear my head. He never told me to snap out of it. He was just consoling me, giving me tons of moral support by just being that listening ear I needed to rant to. That was the beginning of healing myself.

The final turning point was when my mom was asking for the usual massage as she just came back from town hopping in Malaysia, she told me about the incident that could have almost knocked her out. As she was walking out from the mall with my sister and brother, towards the taxi stand, she heard a loud crash behind her. To her surprise, just a few steps behind her, a large slab of broken concrete was just laying on the floor. That slab of concrete was from the billboard above the mall. This happened in broad daylight. A taxi driver came out and told her what a close shave that was because she was literally steps away from busting her head open if that slab fell onto her head.

I was shocked and heartbroken. I actually cried while massaging her when she told me that, I wanted to tell her that I'm glad that she came back safe. That was when it hit me, that there are bigger things out there that are more depressing then what I'm going through. I wasn't prepared to lose my loved ones. I started to pray after that, I vowed to myself, if I was able to achieve praying throughout that day, I'll be able to set the goals in my life and start afresh. My prayers was my first goal. During my prayers, I just surrendered and was just focused to open my heart completely. I prayed for my parents and family and that whatever in my path was meant for me to learn, I'm finally accepting it. And just like that, my heart felt light and lifted.

I took baby steps after that, planning my goals for the day and week. I decided to start being genuine and reviewed why I started my journey in the first place. I changed the things I could control. Like my mindset, things I disliked about my blog page and attitude. I just had to let go of myself and accept the change. The things I cannot control, I'll leave it up to the works of the universe.

Listening to Logic's 1800 song hit me in many ways.

"I finally wanna be alive

I don't wanna die today

I don't wanna die "

I've had so many people encounter depression in their life that listening to that just breaks my heart. Their pain I never knew. I never thought that it would happen to me too. I lived like I wasn't living. That had to change. I wanted to make my life better by believing I can change the things I can and accept the things I cannot control. The wind of change definitely helped me start healing. Now, I'm more passionate about my craft, I'm not focused on the end result, but more the journey. That was the best decision I made in my life. I can tell you now, I'm more contented with the things that I have now than I was a few years ago.

To change, you first have to change yourself and want that change. My motivation and yours could be very different, but when you're hit with self deprecating thoughts about yourself, you spiral into a rabbit hole that some may not see the end of. I found myself again, a new one that's more forgiving about the mistakes she makes. Life is short, make the most of it, but more importantly be true to yourself and find the reason why you do things for. I hope you guys don't take Mental Health too lightly, even little things that affects someone at that point of time could be crucial to them staying sane or just taking an easy way out.

Much loves,

xoxo

#birthday #mentalhealthday #10october #journey